The Pain Doesn't Go Away

A family standing in a field looking at the sunset.

When I was still in primary school, one of my cousins came to live with us after losing her dad. I knew her dad had passed away, and even though I felt bad for her, I didn't fully understand what she was going through since my parents were both well and alive.

She was just a few years older than me, and I don't think anyone understood her pain, not even when my younger told her to go back to her dad's house and cried for hours. I scolded my brother, but I still didn't know the pain of losing a parent until my dad passed.

I was already an adult and became a mum for the first time a year earlier, and it didn't make it any less painful to lose my dad. I had a complicated relationship with my dad and was resentful when I left home, but he was my dad, and it's been 13 years since he passed, but it still hurts to think about him.

Love And Resentment Caused By Parents

My dad was married three times, with my mum being his third wife. He had two children with her, and I'm the oldest. My dad also had children from his previous marriages, and his first wife was a cousin. It was common for people to marry their cousins in the 1950s, as it was often the family that chose spouses for their children.

My mum's first husband was also her cousin, but that's a story for another time. As a result, I have many half-siblings, some of whom are blood-related to our dad, and from his family's perspective, they were his real children. My dad treated them differently from how he treated his other children.

They are the ones who inherited most of my father's estate, and that's always been the dynamic in our family. He went above and beyond for them, while making excuses when it came to helping his other children. He clearly showed his favouritism, and I resented him for it as I grew older.

A family is a place where you are loved for who you are, not what you do.

Breathtaking And Painful Autumn

Autumn has always been my favourite season, and each year, I look forward to the fallen leaves and colourful scenery, but it's also one of the most painful moments of my life since 2012. My dad passed away in October 2012 from prostate cancer. I was battling postpartum at the time after welcoming my first child.

I was overwhelmed by motherhood and was looking for work to keep myself sane and busy, and one day, after getting home from a job interview, I got a call from my older sister who informed me of our dad's passing. I let out a painful scream and fell to my knees. That's how my ex found me when he got home from work.

I did have some unresolved issues with my dad, and I was angry at him for choosing a career for me. My dream was to become a lawyer when I was a child, and I even resented him for his favouritism, but still, I was grateful to have a dad who worked hard to provide for his family.

I Wish I Had Let It All Out And Made Peace

One of my biggest regrets in life is not telling my dad how I really felt. I chose to keep it to myself, thinking it wouldn't have made a difference if he knew that I was disappointed by him. By keeping quiet, I deprived him of a chance to make it right for his other children and me. Now it's too late!

Being honest about my feelings might not have changed anything for him; however, it might have helped me accept and come to terms with our family dynamics. Who knows, it might have been enough for me to stay home with my family instead of starting a new life abroad, away from everyone.

And on this windy day of autumn, I can't stop thinking about my dad, of the missed opportunity to make peace with him instead of moving abroad so that I won't be consumed by jealousy and resentment. It's been 13 years, but the pain is still there, and I don't think it will ever get better because I wasn't there when he passed and never got to say goodbye...